Sword Play
Cast
Number
1
Doctor
Number
2
Number
3
Corpse
Insurance
Assessor
Undertaker
A
dance is performed in the usual manner, ending in either a star or
triangle lock (not a twisted triangle).
Feel free to take
liberties with the text for the parts that aren’t in rhyme. Ad libs,
phrases to suit venue/occasion, etc.
When in doubt, ham it to
the hilt.
Number
1
Can
we have a volunteer from the audience?
Excellent. Please
put your head in here. It’s perfectly safe. Don’t worry, we’re
insured. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Dancers:
1,2,3
Circle
with lock around volunteer’s neck, and draw swords at the end of the
phrase. Volunteer dies and collapses to the ground.
Number
1
Who
was it who drew the sword that cut this woman’s throat?
I fear
that it was someone with a very nice waistcoat…
Number
2
Wasn’t
me – I was in Swanage (invent any excuse that is funny)
Number
3
Wasn’t
me – I was at the bar/in Poole/skydiving/etc.
Number
1
Wasn’t
me – I was talking to the audience.
This
loss of life in one so young
Is a tragedy worthy of rhyme and
song
But every cloud has a silver lining
Perhaps today, my
sun is shining…
By a most convenient occurrence
we
recently took out insurance!
And here is where I’m going to
win
I am this dead girl’s next-of-kin!
Chris
Rowan!
Number
1
Yes
Mum?
I
know, handy isn’t it!
Insurance
Assessor
Incomes
I, the insurance assessor
Not only smart but a snappy dresser
I
believe you’re insured for one million pound
In regard of that
corpse lying on the ground
Number
1 (wiping
away a fake tear)
Yes, I fear she’s very dead
Slipped and
fell and banged her head
Dead as a doornail and pushing up
daisies
Popped her clogs and other phrases
Undertaker
In
comes I, the Undertaker
I bury those who’ve met their Maker.
I’m
going to measure this corpse for size.
I’ll just ignore these
other guys.
Insurance
Assessor
I
think it would save a lot of cash
If we could fix her in a
flash.
Number
1
No,
no I’m sure that can’t be done
It’s just a story you’ve been
spun
Chris
Hey,
hang on that’s my daughter
And if it’s possible you oughter
See
if you can bring her back
Is there a way to save my
Jax?
Insurance
Assessor
Is
there a doctor to be found
To raise this dead man/woman from the
ground?
Doctor
Oh
yes! There is a doctor to be found,
To raise this dead man from
the ground,
And have him/her for to stand,
To be the pride
of Dorset,
The best in all the land.
Number
1
What
canst thou cure?
Doctor
I
can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout
Pains
within, and pains without,
If a man has a dozen devils in
him,
Why, I’ll soon cast thirty out.
Number
1
You’re
very clever Doctor,
Where have you been to learn such
things?
Doctor
To
Toddler Group and Rhyme Time,
Where I studied half my
lifetime,
I’ve been to the land of Niddy Nod,
Where wooden
horses are silver shod.
I’ve ridden backwards over the sea
And
learnt from the mermaids who sang to me.
I have plaster
and potions, poisons, and pills,
Some to cure, and some to
kill;
A broken leg or arm, I soon can soothe the pain
And
if you break your neck, I’ll set it stout again.
Omnes
Is
that all?
Doctor
I
cured the King of Borogovia of a boil on his bunion,
Omnes
Is
that all?
Doctor
I
cured a young cordwangler of a grunger in his moulies.
Omnes
Is
that all?
Doctor
I
can make crutches for crickets, legs for lame ducks,
I can fix a
spaceship, before it self-destructs!
I can cure anything
conceivable
And my fees are very reasonable.
Number
1
What
is thy fee?
Doctor
Five
thousand pounds it is my fee,
For a poor young man like
thee.
Corpse (happily)
Is
that all?
Number
1
I
haven’t got that much money.
Doctor
what
have you got?
Number
1
Roots
in his pockets and comes up with several large silverish
coins.
Doctor
Going
through them one by one and either putting them in his pocket or
tossing them away. (If they land near the body, the corpse will reach
out a hand and pocket the coin)
Jubilee
crown – legal tender for 25p
Ten Franc coin – useless
Dollar
coin – nope.
Jubilee crown – legal tender for 25p
Silver
threepenny bit? I’ll have that to put in my Christmas pudding.
What
about the remaining £4999.47?
i only take pounds sterling, as
defined by the Coinage Act of1971
Number
1 (Looks
thoughtfully at the corpse)
I’d
pay you from my banking app
I keep it on my phone
My phone
is in my pocket
DAMN! I left it back at home
I think
Jax has a credit card…
Number
1 and Doctor
Exchange
a significant look and go to pickpocket opposite sides of the corpse.
As soon as one finds the credit card, the doctor will produce his
card reader.
Doctor
Listen
to my magic spin.
Raise your hand, input your pin.
(Holds
up corpse’s hand to card reader, and corpse duly punches in the
PIN)
Number
1
Try
thy skill.
Doctor
(A
whole slapstick routine now takes place between Doctor and the
Corpse. When they run out of ideas, the doctor takes out his medicine
bottle.)
Doctor
I
have this little bottle of elecampane
Just one drop for this
dead man
Will give him life again.
{Gives drop to the
slain, who rises.}
Omnes
Sing
“We wish you a Merry Christmas”.
Doctor
Now
our play is ended,
Please
give us your applause,
And
donate your excess money,
To a very worthy cause!